Goodbye to Belief

There is something so extraordinarily unsettling in knowing that you could have said something when you didn't.
There is something so unequivocally sad in the pursuit of a real freedom.
There is a pain in the realization of a truth you have been trying to bury.
Suffocation occurs most by attempt to fill void souls with cotton like beliefs and words.
I am taking your name from the docket.
I am suffering myself no more.
I am severing the one steel silk thread that connected your problem to mine,
Which in all of its strength, really wasn't that difficult to do.
I am okay in recline, and I know this well.
You, at times, say that you're fighting, but for what?
I am the only decay to myself and I know this without having to research the medical terms.
Honestly, this isn't helping matters much.
I don't feel as though I should speak today.
I go on stealing my vices and I certainly pay the price on the dime.
Stop believing in predestination and judges... and suddenly the sky seems so much bigger...
Suddenly the world is filled with so much wonder...
Suddenly you realize that you alone fight or embrace this.
Because you are alone.

I Could Have Continued... and Then There Was You

Though I can't be certain where I should be

I know when I should speak

And keeping quiet until spoken seems a test of endurance

I am taxed on all sides by an equal diversity of thought

When awe and horror collide in such a way

To mix epiphany with frustration

Well, it's something you've never known

Something you really don't have to understand

You haven't the capacity for this as well

So, close your eyes and your ears to the manifestations of all that I have felt as of late

I don't blame you

But it still is rather a lonely bench where I find rest

"Nothing ever happened"

As you so deftly rearrange all of my grief

Coast me to avoid what you and I both know to be real

I could find a kindred spirit

And we could deteriorate together

We could loathe, but allow, the decay of this world

And aid in the demolition of one another

We could feel sorry for ourselves

And plan a selfish escape from all the reasons

That we've been here this long

But I wanted to live, you know

I wanted you

It is much easier said than done

Living the present gentle and ravenous disposition that I have been dealt

These are things that I prayed you would never once have to waste a thought with

So I smile when I answer the telephone

And avoid you when I am forlorn

Suddenly you realize why at times

I won't speak for days

I could find someone who knows my troubles

But those who relate are are the kindred cursed with this

And that is a disaster just itching to happen

I could find another selfworthless someone

A mind as mine in one other distant and present form

And we'd fight by the hour and love when we're done

Just to feel anything but the reality that even together we are alone

And when it all becomes too difficult

We'd end more than our union and give up the ghost

Instead of believing in tomorrow

In ourselves

In true love

But, no... I have come to find

That I wanted to rediscover reason

I have come to find you

And that is reason enough

The Dear Wait (For P. J. B.)

A pane of glass that views the world in return

The cracks that stem from memories of it

And movements that bring out

The broken innocence

An equal force of dark and of light

Crashes at a time in life

When not else matters but to see your face

As patience is key in this

I will stay a planted fruit tree

Stationary on your landscape

And strong in anticipation of your return to me

To care for me

And to reap every benefit that life has provided me

Just to give them back to you...

Beauty in a sense of thinking

Is product of nurture and nature in action

And tiny gestures that have made their way across this vast land

Have had something to do with

A growth in me

Of a lush sense of wonder in seeing the way that your face takes shape

When you laugh

There's no need to worry, fret, or fear

Over fate or the stumbling flukes that led me to you

As patience is the only use of time at this moment

I'll remain as a taken picture

On the wall that looks northeast from all hurt that lies in the past

Framed in the finest circumstances that surround us

And our progress in this

To be kept in the house of your heart that remains

For your certain return

From a hard day of spending the life

Of a man in this world

I will thrive on the thought of composing you into my arms

And the love that I only just have learned is able within me

To gather up the every blessing that time has allowed me to produce

And refine them all

Just to give them back to you...

The Dear wait in a loved existence

For one another again to be within reach

And the Dear Wait is a worthwhile time

In the value of the touch of your hand

Thoughts on Thoughtfulness (Thank You, Solomon. Thank You, Father)

While listening to his hands
I can only think of yours
Weathered with the work of a lifetime
The constant building of yourself
The foundations of all that we are in turn
An intern to the true ways of living
I have learned
I am learning to apply
The high notes are the soft tones that your voice was so well known for
Never by surprise
Every piece of a love that you were making in me
In hopes that the rest might one day see
My hands are taking to a mold
That you so inexhaustibly perfected
Heroes are not just figments of my mind
Though the way I remember things sometimes seems to be
And very possibly is
I would rather know it all that way
Early evenings
Porch seranades
The many fathers that I have had in the few years that I have been
All of them missed
You were the impenetrable force
You are now safe inside my impenetrable walls
Your words and actions are the mortar that holds this structure in its place
I know that it was this
And that it was you
That gave the orders to let it stand
Even when the demolition attempts came from so close to home
Outside of the body are so many occurences
Inside the body are so many assassins
And yet I stand
I give you some of the credit
Because I know not to whom I should offer
I am angered at times
I have not yet thanked you
But I am persistent as you, now
In an attempt to keep me here and aware
You never read these words
Or any others that I may have written
And, while you never knew where my mind was leaving off to
You knew it was never here
It is with you, now that you are not
It leaves off to find you
And as a consequence to the situation
My body never will
It has tried
And without rejection
You have denied me that much
So the day goes
So the holiday goes
In your absence
As any other day
The gratitude I have is only to the endless choices that you made
While you had the time
While that time was falling short
And then, when there was none
And as I begin my every day with these words
Goodbye again
God
Hero
King
Saviour
Titles that you could never have lived up to
Erroneous being that you were
Now, in death, you have seemingly mastered...

Here

Ah, and here...

Here is to the tumultuous waves of great disappointment

And the happiness in between

To the thrilling, sickening throwing of the world at ourselves, and ourselves at the world

And to the feeling of ricochet

To the memory of the collision

Here is to remembering
By God, remembering anything at all

Here is to the thorn and the honey

To the rusted sweetness of those who pursue it

Here is to the music that medicates all ills

Whether to the better or to the worse

Here is to the lonely state of things

For, in fact, only then are you really free

Here is to realizing that truth is difficult

That hope is commendable

That worry is abhorred

That both are useless and void

Here is to nonexistent time

Nonexistent future

Nonexistent past

To the understanding that the one is beyond reach

That the other is selective

It never really happened the way that you remember it

Here is to patience

The birth child of hope

To the idea of someday

That someday you will see me as a necessity to your life

As a key addition to your already complete existence

As a desire to your side

Here is to the unmentionable

Which we will not mention here

And to the different meanings that it will take on

Ear to ear

Here is to death

To the years upon years that I will not be

In contrast to the short time in which I am

To that education only do I owe my present vision

Here, they say

Take it
If you please, or don't
Take what has been given

And endless portion of whatever confronts you

And do with it

What you will

Do with it

Anything and all

For, ignored

It will remain

Utilized

And the constant turns of supposed waste

Will flourish your garden

To blooms you had never known

Every Sad Farewell

The girl that I knew once
The woman who made me
A little more of who I am
Changed in ways
For the better
Even in the things that I learned from her
As she disappeared from my every day
Those every days when I watched her move
When I wondered what she was doing
The times when she was not in sight
She was beautiful in the morning
Sitting outside with her cigarette, or sometimes just the new day's air
An artwork so still and so simple
The appeal lay on her face
Along with the landscape of her contemplations
Where her every emotion
Her every fear
Her every joy
Flowered new blooms and grew into a world
And I, I could only see what the surface of her features allowed me
I wanted only to know more of the place she appeared to be
Every living thing she touched
Responded to her gentleness
Every stoic object
Seemed to do the same
Or to be made more alive my the tracing of her fingers
The way she held her spoon as she stirred her coffee
The lips that seemed to say so much when sitting comfortable against each other
Her eyes have told me a thousand different tales and truths
That I have only begun to understand
Now that she has taken them away indefinitely
She listened to music, and it moved her
The piano seemed to trace outlines of her soul
So now I listen to the music, and it moves me
As I try to grasp on to the remainder of what I knew of her
Little memories start to flood
There are times I pretend long enough to believe
That I have no qualms with the fact that she's gone
There are times when every pretty, sad song makes her come alive in me
When she smiled near me, the world joined in
From person to animal to rock
At least, to me
Though I try to recreate it, it does no good to me
Every word within my grasp doesn't seem to be enough
Every thought of her, as strong as I will it
Cannot manifest her to me again
We had a life, one life
One that I would like to live again
And the fighting, it was all from me
I was ever angry only with me
For the simple fact that I changed her for a moment
From whole to hurting
For the things I think of now that I could have done for her
When I had my whole life to do them
But every present second mattered more
I imagine her days now
With me where I am, in the past
I envision myself as her shadow
Just to watch the artistry of the every way she moves
And the independence that surrounds her in the smallest of way
My favorite piece of music
My delicate, lovely, variable canvas
The most eloquent and stirring verse I've ever had the chance of reading
I know that i was veritable, now
I know everything that it meant to me, now
I know what I would do to turn this world around, now
I know what I love, now
And that it is her
Now that she and it and everything with it
Has said goodbye
Has walked away
Is gone

All the Same (P.J.B.)

There is nothing quite like the feeling
Of the realization that one is once and always
So totally alone
The fear and the freedom that come with it are equally as strong
Forgotten, avoided, abandoned, ignored
I know not which category I fall into
For that matter... if any at all
But I do wonder at times, why
If I am always a thought on your mind
Simple gestures toward me do not seem to cross it
My love
Ah, my love
All of it, you know you had
And still do at the slightest of efforts
And at a moment's notice
But if you have no use for it
If you do not want it
Or if there is simply no room for it now
Well, then that is a new reality that I, alone, must face
Once again, I, alone, must face
I continue to live my life
Not as though I had never known you
But I continue to apply the changes you have inspired in me
Where to realize the aspirations that I had a potential for
The courage was lacking
That extra push that I needed to see and attain these things
You supplied
And I continue to love you
As though you were here, beside me
I continue to bless you
Because you are the dearest of friends
And if this love is a love that you can be better by
If you will that this is a love to grow stronger
Well, I would do no good to myself by waiting or expecting on your word
But know, while I am living, I am thinking of you
And when that word decides to come
Oh, if that word decides to come
At whatever hour it might be
I will be elated to receive it and respond
All the same

Lost Love: Thoughts From Another to Me. (For P.J.B.)

Who's got you, Dear?
What's holding you back?
When you know, Dear
We'll launch a full attack
Because nothing can withstand us
When you and I both coincide
Whatever it is, Dear
It's not stronger than you and I

Who's got you, Dear?
What's taken your love?
Careless demons
You've given your time to taking care of
Though, for now, you can't give a name to them
They are taking the light from the smile
That was my sunshine
And I need that warmth again

Who's got you, Dear?
What's taken your smile?
When you find it
We'll bring it backover mountains and miles
I would love to see it
Because it feels like it's been seven years
But I have patience
And I'll be waiting with you here

Who's got you, Dear?
What's keeping you down?
If you're lost, Dear
At least you still know where I can be found
If the climb is too much for your legs
I will be there to take your turn
And carry you with me
Until we see you again

Who loves you, Dear?
Who's pushing you on?
Lift your head, Dear
And you'll see someone who wants to see you strong
Whatever it is, Dear
You are still who I want in my life
And this sadness will pass, Dear
You'll be back to us in no time

From the Lost Archives

I can only make a guess as to when I wrote these... some of them date back to the tender age of 14, so I will let it begin there. Papers torn from notebooks, patterned journal pages, the backs of receipt tickets... they are here, now, when I had honestly forgotten that they existed. I will try to post them in the order of oldest to youngest, but I am probably making a shoddy estimate.



I give way, now, to these things, though not altogether without a bit of embarrassment! For, you see, I'm reading them for the first time again as I post them here. So, make of it what you will... I'll leave you to it!



Young



If I am too young for you

Why do you try so hard

When I'm still, in sight

A girl

A little girl

All you gentle men

Who have love

You'll have to wait until I come of age

It's just as well this way

It just wouldn't be right... or legal, you know

This girl

Little girl

Why do you still bring this up?

Why are you making you old?

I never wanted to be the pedophile's prize

But I'll agree to be your medicine...

When you need some...

Little girl







Shampoo



You have her hand

Be careful with it



She uses a gentle shampoo

That should say enough



I swear to God

If you hurt her

I'll kill you







Untitled

He killed a bird

A bird

A bird

He killed a songbird

What if it wasn't one?



He knows he killed something

Sitting on his window

Possibly just because it had a song

And a song was more than he was



He killed a bird

But what if it wasn't a bird?

A bird

What if it happened to be me?

Me

Me

What if it happened to be me?







Queen (For J.L.U.)

You wore platform shoes

And glittered

You were once a child, too

Believing in pictures

Believing in mirrors

Believing in your reflected makeup masks

Felicity, was it fun

In you suit, tie, and eyeshadow?

Felicity, you cry

Holding your youth

As the smoke goes away

Everything fades with it

Felicity, a doll

Felicity, you cry

You've covered your suit and tie

With a party dress

You were beautiful

In a hologram

Still, the memory of mothers

And the things they say...

You were beautiful

You would take the world

Felicity

If I spoon fed you tears

Would you rain again on me

Loving with picture show, theater faces

In an air conditioned room

You left the keys in the door

And it was cold enough for winter snow







Words on Waking (For D.L.S.)

I found your words in my bed

Your body with me

In my small outline, you seem to fit perfectly

And there are stains on this paper

From other lives I lead

Where it rains

Falls, and I, too

I miss you when I have to go there

And I love you

Nothing between our souls

Everything between ourselves

That could make life,

And you, happy

But I won't let you see another life

Only the world with you in it

And I'll hold to things that drive away the rain and all thoughts, but you

Pain

Did I tell you that I woke up to see you

And that I could only love you more than words



Plate (For C.A.H., D.L.S.)

Hello

There is no real love

There is no real peace

In the way you talk

I hope that every word you say

Ends up back on your own plate

Where I and my friend stand

Already half-eaten

Or at least having been in your mouth

So... be male!

Be a man!

I still love you

This is just how I am letting myself feel right now

And I hate that

No, I don't want to talk about it

It will be gone tomorrow

And I want it to be

For the first time







Distraction From the Sermon (For S.R.E., C.T.T.)

Strangers, entertain my angels

With electricity

Inside your soul

Inside your hand

You hold your own love



I'll break you

If you ask me to

With your silent lips

And you won't know who

Until you do look for me

And your feet are on the wall

But you won't let it go



Angels carried you this far

You can live through this

Sand is not gone

It is only time

And sifts through your fingers

Like the trains in your head



So... smile for me



Strangers, entertain my angels

You said something about clay







Untitled (For C.T.T.)

I'll climb out of myself, tonight

And use your spine as a ladder

We'll be safe to stay the night

Inside the thought that I could be wrong

You are that thought

The complete lack of judgement

That makes me wrong about most things

But not about us

This is an aquarium

And I'd rather swim than walk, anyway

You know this

You are the only one

Who has spelled my name out in my freckles

And I owe you my head







Pockets (For C.H.)

I have something small to tell you

But please don't think it so strange

And don't you dare worry an ounce

Or at all

Because it was all in love

Just as I am now, with you

And it only hurts for a second

A minute

From prick to heal

Instead, if you should ever ask how I can think at all

As much as I do of you

You'll have an answer

Something to know

I've made a small pocket

Well, a few

Sewn a small pocket into everywhere

Attached to every place I can think of

To think of you

For every small way I remember you, a pocket

And sometimes, a pocket just to make a thought

In the back of my eyes, a part of you

Your face, to see as clearly as possible, whenever I close my eyes

In my ear, your voice to keep me warm when it's so quiet around me, here

In my heart, every little thing that can be thought of

To make you as you

As much of you as you are

Sometimes overwhelming

How happy, abnormal we once were

And should be soon, so soon

Not soon enough...

Again

Whee I lay, one to keep your body

Or the ghost, thereof, while you're away

I keep it there , safe and warm, until I should need it... tonight

Another small, cold night

On my tongue, the words play over and around

And through my head, life, and day... to day... to day...

And speak like you would to me, just to have you there

And in each of my fingers... the tips... a small pocket

They were the first, you see

The first to heal so the rest of the job may be done

These scars that you see are not scars, but my thoughts

That these tips may be used someday to patch up those pockets of yours as they need it

And, as every pocket does scar

And bleed

For a moment the pity is well

Received

As they do become one with the skin that surrounds them...

You'll be there

A permanent fixture on me

That no one can replace

One that I cannot leave, and would never wish to

You will see, I am willing to do this one little thing

As I wait...

As I wait...







She (For J.L.U.)

She can't be love

But maybe enough

To last me through the weekend

His arms tire me

And make me scream

I feel so tied up, but find no threads

Make me love you

Make me cry

It's just what I'm needing to get me by

Make me want to hurt myself

Then I will use up someone else

Sitting alone is probably better

Than spitting all my pain out at her

She complains of being wet

Crying when I've done nothing, yet

You don't know what I could do

Taking one piece, and making two

You would never walk again

If you knew how I feel by the end

Blend the break with your acid words

And burn the places where you know you were

All this time you've spent alone

And missed your chance to be my home

How I love you when you cry

Like I'm playing reaper

How I love her when she sings

And helps me breathe in deeper

Breathe

Breathe, my friends

Tonight we're together

Tomorrow, we'll end







Shelf Life (For J.K.H.)

I'll be on the dustiest shelf

Of the room you never touch

With the dusts, the dirt of another time

The particles left behind

From stories unfinished

Or, in fact, completed

Or, even still, continued on where the mountain didn't

Where the story had simply fallen off

And should have died sooner

Which makes one understand

That some medication should never be taken

Some lives should not be sustained

Nor pain prolonged

Please, have the dignity to let me go

Then again, my love, how will we tell the difference?

Who will be writing; telling what should be told?

Self Imposed Evils

It could have been so unfortunate
And it very probably was, or was not
But for all your vexatious efforts
You cannot remember a single thing
Whether the night was light or dark
You will never recall
Above knowing what really happened
Your cause for caterwaul
Is the squandering of that inestimable thing; precious awareness
And the repetition of unscrupulous acts under the shadow that only you have cast upon yourself
And the repetition of a day to day, unchanging sequence; revolution, destruction, defeat
And the repetition you appear to both resign yourself and blind yourself to
And the repetition...
Well, it continues on
Much as an unconquerable weed
Interloper on your, once, somewhat peaceful landscape
Marring the very ground that once held you so firmly up and erect
And for miles upon miles
You see nothing but the transformation
Of a beautiful home into a desolate wasteland
And all because you, yourself, passed by
Without uprooting this unholy blemish
Stupidly neglecting it for sheer harmlessness in size, or so you chose to believe at the time
And, in the absence of a fight, it grew
Or, perhaps, became the many
Until the problem, nourished on the generous donation of neglect
Had become too great a structure to move alone
Or had suffocated you in an overbearing crowd of its clones
Such a horrible way to die
Knowing that you could have prevented it
Misplace the soul... and the mind and body are sure to follow readily after
This if going to take more strength than you first anticipated
Are you ready to begin?