Sunday, May 31, 2009

I Am Meant to Write

Until the dictionary fails me
Until the thesaurus is abused
Until the languages are learned
Until synonym, antonym, syllable, and spelling are all but barren beyond fruition of thought
Until the words can take on no new meaning
And I am forced to fabricate my own
Even then, I will pen on
Combination after combination of definition and pronunciation
And imagery and subtle magic
It thoroughly amazes me
The endless conglomeration of dictations
The pungent potpourri of variable expressions and interpretations
This is a true passion
And undying dedication
To the succulent appeal of the formations that make an experience upon undulation
Every lovely blossom as innocent in view
As sensual on the tongue
As liberating to the voice
As melodic to the ear
I enfold myself in the ever cool and calm pages before me
Anticipatory of a rousing discovery
Some new formula of correspondence with the outer world
I place my constant reliance on the belief in interpreted understanding
As little as I know of this world and this life
I am beholden to the donor of such a gracious gift
To convey what I know and know not
To communicate the growth and learning that will most assuredly come
I am awed and inspired
To know a codependent love such as this
Thought, page, and pen
And a healthy abundance of all
I am capable, willing, and elated to pursue
And will continue to long after I cease
And my returns are a happy and gratified many

A Patient Cause

There are many things you may never know
But not for my own exhausted efforts
There are things I would love to make you understand
But, Darling, I fear I don't have the capacity
The illustrations, the syllables
Though my eyes, my voice, my patience
They strain to make it known to you
And I meditate on the notion that you might clearly see it day by day
Even if, in truth, you still seem to let it elude you
The clearing that my mind takes
At the thought of your fondest actions, places, moments in time
That you allow me to experience with you through your own recollections
The soothing that reaches up through the bottom-most part of me
That which penetrates out at the world through my very pores
When I feel, even for an instant, that you are thinking of me
And the cold rush of an undeniably calming breeze
That is your voice saturating my weary and fevered ears
In whatever state, good or evil, that your words may be forming from
You, my Dear, are by turns a warm sun, a generous cloud, a penetrating rain
Merely by the positions of your identity
And it is always exactly the need I couldn't name
At a time that I didn't know it existed
You are an axis to my being, even if only now
And a blessed determinate view before my endlessly unfolding pathway
Though I know you will never let yourself agree
For modest hearts do always struggle with letting appreciative truths just be what they are
And though such short-lived acts as speech and touch
Will never rightly convey my love
Love is time, and my time I devote to you
Longer than it may take to prove
And, even still, after you believe me
My cause
Will be making it known all over again to you

Friday, May 29, 2009

A Cry For Help

I began to hate the night not so long ago
It was just before my unenthusiastic gaze met your face
And, though I felt what I was about to do was wrong
For both you and I,
I proceded
I sincerely damn the longing that is within me
And I am still not sure what it is for
The days when I had everything within my reach
Were the same days that I wanted none of it
Now that I have lost everything
I cling to the fabricated memory of what could have been
Every detail of what I could have been
I can smell the mold in the walls of the old house
Where I have so willingly, and yet unwillingly become imprisoned
I wish for the return of simple momentary things that were, not so long ago, docile in my palm
I have closed myself off from the world
When all that I long for from the very depths of me is a company
Is it any company that I pine for?
Or is it a particular being that I will to be near?
The house is empty, but for me
The sleeping dog gives no comfort, as he has no idea
All I see are me are the negative tool of internal and external destruction I could, at a set mind, employ... but, no
The silence has enclosed me and cornered me to a frightening place
And yet the ringer on the phone has been turned off
I am willing this ever further
This imminent departure
Yet the only concerns that I have are not for me
I have written the letters and shrugged away the apologies that I once decided would only be polite to give
I have realized, only now, the pointless logic of what has been pressing my mind
The very truth that things will only happen when all circumstances come into play at the right time
And every morning, the new light reawakens me
Only to fade with the dusk
Could I alter the path of this planet's rotation and keep myself in the sun's full view at all times, I would
If only to postpone, and possibly discourage this feeling
For, you see, as the night falls
With it recedes my confidence to continue
A twenty-four hour looping struggle that has had me weary up to this time
The romanticized books, meant to distract my wandering mind
Have served only to realize the lack of whatever is not here that much stronger
I have read ten to twenty 'I love yous' per chapter
I have seen the words there, plain as day
I have heard the words in my head over and over
Only to be reminded that they were not for me
And how strongly the desire stands to hear them
To crash recklessly into the body of whoever happens to utter them
And fasten myself submittedly to it
Still a child, I know
As it is blatantly obvious, now
That for all the eloquence of my sly attempt at convincing myself not to believe in something so irrational
I still feel the absence of its presence
There are people I could phone
But the only voice I could bring myself to listen to does not answer
I have seen why I loathe the darkness
My discontent for the evening grows larger by its every dark blossom
It is nights like these, uneventful, calm, and completely silent
That I can so clearly envision the accomplishment of what was set out to happen since the moment of my birth
There is a lack of interest, now, in my perch on this chair
In the clutter around me
In the people who have seemed, so willingly, to deny the persistence of anything wrong within me
Or perhaps my presence, altogether
And for all of this silence, I still feel as though I have said too much
A cry for help brings no help
When it is perfectly and pointedly composed

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Quiet As A Mouse

There were moments when
I knew you were my love
But knowledge lacking truth
Is simply not enough
The road began to fork
The way you went was yours
My cries had given out
You left me quiet as a mouse
You left me quite alone

I thought you would come home
And come home, well, you did
To a burning plot
Where a good house once did sit
And I don't know you, now
I'm scared you might get bored
I'm quiet as a mouse
You'd run to another lady's house
That hasn't yet burned down

I killed the little girl
I never got to know
But she's still here with me
And everywhere I go
And when she breathed her last
She screamed aloud
"I'm scared... It's quite as a mouse.
My time is quickly running out.
I haven't seen the world."

Can a woman learn
The lesson from the sin

I Am Convinced, My Love

I am convinced, my love
That soon we will each find our own place
And together we'll grow
Or in earnest, each watch as the other reaches higher at an equal pace
And our strength
Separately, is greater than we know
And together, we need never battle
Simply our presence will ward away all evils
Negativity should never touch us
Remember that as you walk every painful of seemingly unnecessary path
The travel is long
The journey is all the blessing... and the prize
Even if, now, it seems well hidden and disguised from us
I am convinced, my love
We will rise above what we now know
Over careers and daily activities our potential shows
And as learning never stops
An insatiable appetite for life continues its course in us
Through us
From one to the other
Even falling to error, we simply will pick up and strive with a better understanding
This I believe for us, each of us
For you and I, so far we we are each still standing...
Judicious fates have walked us along a path to discover one another
Though the route of their plans will not make itself known
This is the bravest step
The most fearless march
That we have taken on in the name of what good lies in this world
And in the name of what bonds the alone to the alone and makes them something so remarkably more
I am convinced, my love
That we each have the power to resist giving up
Though the option is always right before us
The simplest of answers is not what makes this question so profound
The courage over what lies here
Is so markedly clear, now
All I pray is that we inspire the unsteady to go ahead and jump
Fly or fall
Damn the strange and defy it all
And crash safely into the definition of what this life is for
This I believe, my love
When it comes to our love
And the purpose of it all

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Please, Do. Plant Me.

What weight on my shoulders?
Oh, that man...
Oh, that woman...
Oh, the nagging sense of fear over mere communication
Am I the crime, or criminal?
That I have become chained to the idea of...
There are no others nearby, now
I bloody apologize!
There is no clear patch of land to plant my feet
I am hanging above it
Clockwise, forward, backward...
And counterclockwise
I feel the soft tap of the bark on my skin
From where the rope has rubbed it raw
But I cannot touch the tree
I cannot touch anything
I bloody apologized!
The only thing nearby
Is the very thing keeping all others at bay
This field of forced loneliness
Seems to pointless
When the one who built it abandonded it long ago
Break down the barriers!
(I beg you)
Cut down this rope!
(I plead)
Breathe song into my lungs once more
Oh, you gentle hand
From which, for all horrid reason (all out of my control)
I have been pushed away
My hands are now limp
And I cannot feel my lips
Except to say
I'm calling your name, sir!
I'm screaming it out!
Don't give up!
No, don't give up!
I love you, I do
But it is so hard to express it
From this hung home
You told me you thought I was an faerie above you
Now you know
I was only a struggling body...

There Is No Point

There is no point to it
And by that, I mean this sword
How can I stand up in battle
Against horrible thoughts
And by a sword I mean a love
That may as well not be felt
As dull as you've made this blade
It will never be feared
Never sought for the fight
So I dig this dull blade into my own skin
And I'll be the only one to feel it
Where it could have brought cities down, darling
It's just killing me now
And by my own will
Do I let it
Do I swear I'll never do it again
I will shelf this sad object
The useless piece of anything
Other than what it could really be
However, it is enough to cause pain
And with the right sort of pressure
Has penetrated me
And will one day rip right through...

Breathe In the Norm

Ah, what new confusing step is this?
What severe motion,
What odd tap dance,
That I could not prepare myself for...
I heave.
I sigh.
I breathe in the norm.
I cough profusely...
The restraint on my voice,
The barriers on my eyes,
Are the very pulse of my reactions
To this world.
Allergic to the experience?
No, merely frightened.
It's merely uncertainty sustained by my own drowning logic.
Cross your fingers for me, please!
Cross your heart over my own...
Cross this intersection
Onward, to brighter and better things!
A more beautiful existence,
That relies solely on a passion
For what I never imagined to amount
Let alone, embrace.
Good luck.

Start the Reconstuction

An odd complex
An unsure interest
A strange curiosity
A willing waiver
An honest mistake
A future you may or may not hold
A friend, packed away
A bolting, shy creature
A frailty that I already know
An equation I understand
A miscommunication
A sudden awareness
An eccentric compassion
A hidden euphoria
An obvious chaos
An awkward oblivion
A detour from the right path
A shade tree along the wrong one
A reflection on my pool
A new branch on my tree of life
A thing to be afraid of
And one to make afraid
A hidden meaning
A found inquiry
A crumbling foothold
A firm quicksand
A nonexistent foundation... so far
Call it what you may, Friend
You have undone me
Your job lies ahead
May the reconstruction begin...

Riding in Circles

I guess they too often leave without saying goodbye
All a likeness
A moving, functioning organism
That doesn't consider me the same
That is taken by force
That fights to return
That apologizes profusely
And attempts again
And again
And again
Oh, try for me!
Stay in this life for me!
Fence yourself in on this side for me...
Nomad of a soul
Something, please, remain concrete!
Some thought, please, direct me!
Some locksmith, please, release me!
Let me roam
And show me the ropes
At the chance it may happen again
And at the certainty that it never will
I've never been well on the whole
With being alone
Be discreet with me
Be kind to me
Hold me up on your shoulders to see
What the tops of these mountains are like
May they be roadblocks no more
And may this new path lead me to reason
And not to the same bloody fairground again
You now what they say
About amusement rides
They are all round
And circles can move
Only one way
Be the bicycle
Not the Carousel horse
This time...

Save the Sighs

If I had not
Been so foolish
Trusted so much, in so little time
Written my journal in the public eye
Maybe this heart would still have love
As it is, this organ does serve its purpose
Pumps and throbs
But to no avail
To no product, save blood
And my consistent, aching frustration
An idea to let it die
A few remnants of the sharp tongue
That surrounded he and I
And those stumblers who think they are the ones who can save me
Well, they are surely not
See a broken heart
See an empty room
And fill it with their beds and their shelves and their...
Woes... oh, woe is me
To have given a piece
Yet again, not preserving For those more deserving
For those who spurn learning for love
I say I've finally found
That this world is too cold
And still attempt my small spark
To the same bitter realization
That it won't survive
That I won't survive
Not in cold, dark minds
Not in flighty hearts
Not in comforting
Not in anything...
Save the sighs


A handshake turns tables
Turns into identifiable trouble
If I can stay afloat
If I can keep my head above the below
Watery suffocating grave of an emotional downfall
If my legs and arms are strong enough
If I can shoulder only my own name
The weight of a nothing sort of wish and an uncertain though
And a, "Please, don't fuck this up."
Could make an anchor of empty bones
And a heart, light, filled up of nothing
Kept out on a sleeve
For no protection and all the world to see
A chilled heart and a warm arm
Is the bargain I dealt myself
Was that what they all meant?
When they said go for your pleasure
When they said be careful if you want to drink and walk
If you want to fall and drive
Nothing inhibits over a drink like the awkward warmth you most certainly gave
I don't know who you are, brother
And I'm afraid to find out
I don't have any grounds to express myself
Nor would I know how
Because the gender scaled thought process makes your thoughts
Equal not to my purposes
You think what you will
I'll have my quiet say about it
And accept the repercussions


I thought to myself
As our curtain was closing
The short road we walked on
Was one I had chosen
For myself
There's nothing left
To say, but this...
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...
Yes, I'm almost certain
That a tight-held tongue
Could have postponed this moment
And prolonged the fun
Between us
There's nothing left
To say, but this...
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...
Where's the thought gone
While caught in the pause
No secrets between soldiers
I knew just who you was, dear
Just an answer, please
Not a hanging rain
My skies will still be as blue
As the next man's cloudy day...
No matter you...
So this is it, man
The final truth
Between 'sucker' and 'baby'
There still seem to be no rules
To reference now
There's nothing left
To say, but this...
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...
Stretch those countdown days, honey
And reconsider your goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye...

Fuerza Solamente

He's a good one
But not my one
And I'm comfortable
And kind...
Repetitive in the morning
Sober afternoons lead to thinking
Something I just shouldn't do...
Are you that out there
That you wouldn't see
Something beautiful
Inside of me?
Are you that content
And overall consistent
That it does not warrant concern
Over what is in place
In your eyes
Nothing's cold
Nothing's warm
Nothing's ever done
Set aside like the bed
Of the night when it happened
Washed away like the stains
Of the good love artwork we're making
Inspiration calls
When left alone to wonder
Fine thing that words do what no man can
Getting off on the phrase"Courage comes but once a day..."
Leave the phone by the door
And hope for the best from you
Llorando, llorando, llorando
These words go unheard in my own head
Fuerza solamente
In a raging wave
Seré fino, mi amor
Seré fino... siempre

Left the Bottle

Make your own
Path your way
Wash the dust of occasionally
Move the mountain
That you cannot budge
And see the other side
Placed at the peak
And holding the sky
You long for good gloves
As the sunlight burns your skin
But keep a hold on
Wait for rain
A clouded company and a happy shade
We enjoy the moment
And have no commitments
We have no duties to perform
And no will to break
We walk the trail
The tracks and the train will not budge the body
Inches upon inches upon inches
Turn into miles
And my distance from you
Has only made it better
Has only made it easy
To give no damns at all
My panic knows no names
So never assume that it's you... that it's you... that it's you...
Hearts race
And are tired from moving
I moved from the best man to the doorman
Getting so good at saying goodbye
Was never better
And the drinks taste sweeter
Since your mouth
Left the bottle

Hello, Mouse

Hello, Mouse
I see you clearly
In my own reflection
Picking up what others have put down
Out of absolute despise
Out of a facade, a guise
I see you long for the limbs to put around him
As I did, and won't again
I watch you run at any frightening noise
And put forth all four by choice
And stumble gracefully past the lamplight
In the dark
And in your home far from
The snickering humans above
The talk of the day has become
What has become of you
In so many ways I feel
The quiet you breathe, the air
The shallow gasps of the scared
Are only to be admired
I miss you with a love
I scurry above
And think of my future as you are
All of panic and no plans
Hideaway places look tempting
Crumbs do look appetizing
When you have no room to bite
I've a mouthful of words to say
But no voice to scream them
No face to smile with
No room to run in this corner
Nowhere to turn
And who are our enemies?
Would you educate me, please?
On the way of the timid
And on a life of fear
I am sad
I am not myself
I am more you than me
And I envy your body
The quick, stifled noises you keep
The small room you sheltered away
The tiny eyes on your face
Do look much like mine
I will dart across
Just as you
Dance the floor
Just as you
Keep all of this to myself
I sing in my sleep, to you
And I do imagine you
As a beautiful girl, drying sea salt from her cheeks
Repetition holds our world
No matter the size of your feet
Your circles stay the same in size
No matter how moving makes your heart beat
The puddle I looked over
Matched your expression so clear
Made me believe who I was
Made me embrace the fear
You want me to overcome
You want me to rummage the pieces
And I have no will, no time
No adhesive in my pouch
You ask me to forgive
I ask you to give back the cause
Listen to my dropping heart
And enjoy the crumbs I sought
I knew you were hungry, but did not intend on donating my world to you
I'm a faucet of tears today
I am looking at my own face
While you hear what the soulless world says
And turn the other way...

A Cold Body

I longed for a freedom
For you and I both
From all pain
From the physical enclosure of failing skin and bone
From the twisted back and diseases
From this world's incapacity to withhold such spirits
As we two
And those closest to us
And someone told me the other day
That this planet was coming to an end
In response, I couldn't decide which I was least ready for
To continue in all this spiral
This circle of ongoing apathy, suffering, and redemption
Or to say a chaotic farewell to all that I know
I knew you
Not well, but better than some, and most
You knew me
Not well, but the best you could
You know me much better now
From your aerial view
You know us all better
And cannot communicate
To protect, no longer
To embrace, no longer
To guide, no longer
Except by a sleeping force
I am questioning every notion I have ever held onto
I am throwing myself to the wolves
I am wishing for you and never receiving
At least, you haven't returned yet
Not even in sleeping
Hands like ice
I never imagined it was your hands should freeze over
Until the call that broke my soul
I have only questions since you let go
And no answers, no body to cling to
No one has told me lately that everything will be just fine
I thought of crafting a hook and line to you
But no metal is strong enough to hold cloud
And pull you to me
I miss you, yes
And, no, sometimes I am not alright
I fight those I love
And fight myself on a daily basis
My stance is not the same
Since you became air and rain
Since you became the sound barrier broken overhead
I miss you always
And think about you as often and as little as I can
Everything I ever knew as solidified was questioned
And has been ever since
They wheeled you away through the front door
And I kissed a cold face
That I would never see again

Pink Balloon

The night you chose not to show
Your face was the night
Always the night of my life
I am learning quickly not to expect
And never to want anything from your side of love
And I saw our world
Wrapped up thin rubber
I saw it explode
By the cause of my damn cigarette
I guess we both know what happens when you get to close to the fire
I want you to know
I danced out in the rain
Close to another man
And another man
And we were virgins to the act
It was beautiful
I could live my whole life on the sidewalk in that sort of weather
I miss an unwavering hand to stroke my back
To tell me the twists on the road from hips to neck are beautiful
I received a pink balloon
The loveliest thing that ever lasted less than an hour
And I carry the scraps with me now
A reminder to all of my mind to stay clear from loving
Real love abandoning all else
Well, we all saw the pink balloon die out
And we all know the strange footprints that life leaves
The only thing, really, to expect and cherish
Is the fact that nothing will last
And I remain far from you in my heart that draws to you
Thank you for reprimanding what could have been a careless organ
I will dance in the rain with every storm that passes
But you don't enjoy that sort of thing
No, you don't find comfort in setting the fear aside for something so good
I saw our love wrapped up in a pink balloon
And I see it gone


My faulty beauty
Is no match for you
Your face, your body, your love
I'm content to stay in my day
Though I know you feel more
Or know I want to feel more
And see you again
I would love to be sure
To forget the strange
The things that divide us into
Half unhappy creatures
Who smile at those who hold the blade with one hand
The extra hand that kills
The smoke I breathe
Maybe now, you understand more
Sharing the light with you was just fear
But sharing the dark, that meant the most to me
I will tell you now, not to recall
And not to repeat
But I do sometimes wait for you
And good or no good
I stay for this
I care for you
Though I've fought it, always I do
Not forgetting is the key to place my mind
The length between goodnight
And I will see you again
Waiting is the dream
That doesn't align with fate
But I still do
I am content to know you care
If only 9 hours and 30 minutes of the year


I suppose in situations like this
The best thing to do would be to walk away
You've already started to realize
But before you really get to know
I ought not to show my face more
Lately, my comfort has gotten the best of me
And you're beginning to see all the potential
I never had
Uglier by the minute
More of a mistake by the day
And now that I can see the disgust forming
I can bleed out words of true phenomena
The sharpest pronunciations any man has ever witnessed
Halfway to the point of finally letting go
When will my twitching body give up the ghost
When will the god that I refuse to believe in
Refuse to believe in giving me breath
I think, to myself, I would much rather drown
But not in the way that I have been in front of everyone's eyes
And not in the way they all shake their heads
I retaliated to you over my own faulty behavior
No, I can't explain the logic that put the hate on my face this morning
Nor do I think you would believe it if I could
Or that it was meant for reflection, not for you
I feel the surge of every different wonderful and horrible feeling
Coming forth in waves
Against what I never thought was a mountain
To have always been weathered
I saw that expression on your face today
Then I realized the sand in your eyes was me
And I knew, then, to go
And leave explanations to the shoreline
Recuperate myself in the sediment of some mediocre bank
Some private muddy solution
In the darkness of a deep hideaway
Please, remember me the way you knew me in the beginning hours
Close your eyes to the cold that followed warmth
Make me sorry for what I have done
Though I'm not certain of what it is yet
Just, please, never speak to me again
Our story will be told somehow
Without ever having to happen

Ridiculous Acts of Kindness

I would be one to wait
For a ridiculous act of kindness
And you would be the patient one with me
What do you want?
And why is it such an inconvenience to you
That I question what I cannot get accustomed to?
Your ways keep me in a constantly inconsistent state of mind
My ways tend to lead me into the wrong hands
But suppose yours are not
Suppose I stop walking away, now
Suppose I find something at the end of all this
Suppose we never take time to find anything at all...
I can't keep turning off my ears to what you're saying
But I can't start believing you, all the same
I can't bring myself to leave your side each night
But it isn't my place, either, to stay
Just let me pace the hallway that I've been calling a home
And let me keep opening doors that lead to nothing
Oh, give me a chance to get used to sleeping alone
Let me hear the telephone ring
Believe me, Unconfirmed Love
One day when all of this is over...
Well, I can't promise myself that you'll still be standing here
I can't promise that I'll be standing at all

148 (The Thing I Love)

I ask you softly
Respect the fear that came with it
Not the 'us,' but the hurt
The hurt in advance or in progress
The 148 steps to the jump we would both wake willing to take
It was up to the landing, where each of us would stand on this
It was up to our will whether the distance between our positions would be too much ground to recover
Or too many briars in the wood to risk
And it strikes me as odd, you
Being the country where you were raised seems to have more to do with this than you dare to admit
Shame on me for being the eager one
Shame on me for walking more than half the distance
To concede to what you should have been earning
The time alone afforded the moments I needed to consecrate a belief in myself
And myself by itself
Mind above heart
Heart above hand
Hand, vile betrayer of the mind's intentions and the heart's naive eyes and anticipating beats
Cut off or rise above?
Purposefully jump or run with the stampede in the other direction
When the change pf atmosphere predicts an earth shaking so uncontrollably faltering to my own shelf
I could take the quake down
I could take the shock of the tumble
I could take the objects greeting me harshly all the journey down
Offering things like blood, broken bones, and permanent marks that will each hold their own story
As long as the long, painful drop completes some sort of equal return
That makes itself of a soft arm cradle
A comforting kiss waiting patiently to meet this head
To make it better
To make it all better
It would all be worth it
Undoubtedly worth it
More so if it were because of you

To Be Fooled (In the Worst Way)

I remember seeing you outside
When the sun hung high
I caught my first full eye of you
That's when I knew
It would come undone in the worst way
To be fooled by the one you love
Isn't that enough?
But that's not all you had in store for us...
Yet I return
And you still turn my black and white gray....
If you could understand what I understand
Would you still choose not to be my man?
Did you know?
Was it all your plan?
Crying at your gentle, murderous hand...
I remember talking bees that night
Buzzing in my ear, "Girl, you know this isn't right..."
Ah, but something in your eyes
Made me deaf, dumb, and easily fooled
They've always said I was a smart girl
Such a brilliant child, I know
But good judgement has taken the backseat for this ride
And my heart has forgotten these dangerous roads
You tried to get it past me, but I saw that itch
Then tonight I come home to you on the phone with some other...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you...
You had me running
Had me losing my head over nothing
But nothing was good enough
It's never good enough
Apparently one woman isn't good enough
But thank you dearly, love
You've taught me enough
Now I'm too good at love to be fooled

To Move

This town
This life
There's something out there
But I can't deny
I'm too afraid to make the move
This couch
This room
Is becoming a prison
And I daydream the view
But I'm too afraid to make the move
The floorboards are laid out; the ground is firm
But I can't get my feet across the floor
Maybe I'm waiting for someone to take me
By the hand and lead me out the door
This space
Between us
Is breaking my heart, babe
And it kills me because
I'm too afraid to make the move
Something's happening
I know that it's happening
I wish it would happen to me
I peer through the window
I stare out the door
But I'm still too stubborn to leave
Maybe if my brain
Would concentrate
I could move my muscles
I could change my fate
But as it stands
I'm too scared to move
Something's happening
I know that it's happening
I wish it would happen to me
I peer through the window
I stare out the door
But I'm still too stubborn to leave
This world
As small as it is
I'd still love to see it
But the sad fact is
I'm too afraid to make the move

If It Eases Your Mind

There has to be a word for this
Well, we'll think of one
Chances that have fallen along both of our paths
And apparently made them one for the walking
From a face
To a word
To a voice
To eventual touch
Time, and only time, decides these factors
Fates that have spanned across distances and differences
Have no doubt confused what used to be sharp minds
What still may be sharp minds
Muddled by an unnameable
Or cleared perfect railings for train of thought
Not what either of us had in mind
But isn't that the world for us
Isn't that the subtle pushing of the wind
The water's ripples that start an uncharted path
Nudged by rain we know nothing about from from whence it came
Such adventure is harbored to the mind as mystery
Such mystery, a frightening detour from the mundane traffic we were so willingly used to
Let's, for now, hope
And above all, be afraid
For the cool, clear, but massive wall that stands between us
And the same time... doesn't
There is no knowing, only guessing
Still there is one constant
One concrete evidence to all this
You have stolen the smile that you love from me
And as you return it to me daily
With each word written or spoken
It's only imprisonment
Is that you have not seen it in full

A Murderous Pain

I killed something today
But by all means, unintentionally
And of the many things I've slain before
From first year to now
This hurt me much, much more
For whatever it is
That existed
But that doesn't exist anymore
Meant more to me as a mystery
Than as a waking from a strangely comfortable dream
This thing, should I even bother naming it now?
Now that it's gone
Or would that do more harm to those
Who've been left
To grieve it
Good and judgemental fate
I have trusted you to this point
Could you have held my tongue
Before the final fury
Could you have held my hands
From crushing unstable numbers
Could you have held my foot
From dropping on the small body
Of whatever was embodied in that shell
That now has the look of a broken home
Has the look of my broken heart
On this day
No practice of relief would do
My hands are much too shaky
To sustain this life
Its movements are so unprotected
And every twitch and jump
It jumps my mind
Back into my head
My soul
Back into my skin
My flight
Back to this same ground
If there is a deity, a devil, or another
Who knows everything of life
And more of resurrection
Can I trust myself to you
And all of everything that lies beneath my erring human feet
Would you do it if I begged you
Or if I had something to offer
Oh, what do you offer Fate that isn't already hers?
I offer you me
And then I see
That is why it is this way

Synonyms of Falling

Helicopter seeds fall slowly, at a rapidly spinning pace
And truth falls short of expectations all the time
Calendar pages drop by the month and days fall around me
While I'm slowly but surely falling into the same trap again
Excited faces turn unholy as children tumble and scrape knees
And tears fall from eyes too watered down
Rain trickles softly down the glass I think of more as a wall than a window
While I'm swiftly falling into that same loneliness again
I see my own ideas plummeting
With the more words you spill
And your shoulders slump down at the ebb of my smile
But emotions that fly and float back
The submersion of loving notions
Is just something I've become accustomed to meeting at the crash site
Lovers fall for and into each other
Lives fall quickly into the the grave
My voice declines quickly into the well you've reopened
As I'm learning to fall into my own arms again

Brushing Color Through Hard Times

The veins all flowed in unison
From what? Oh, I could name a thousand things
The rushing blood over my world turning sides
And my head with it
The sins I’ve committed since the last time we laid together
The bite of a jealous snake
The warm flood of fear surging me
And brushing my face with color I cannot deny
The reminder that you are not the end of things
And the suffering continues, whether by you
Or the general happenings that is life
And that everything moves on and evolves
The emotion I feel for you, that I fight against, the I sleep in
The confusion I stay fearful in
What a strange time to be alive
When the circle spreads wider
And the teachers of ancient ways solemnly let me know to push on
To keep on trying
Until there is nothing left to try
I am afraid of this life and its beauty
I am weary of feeling alive through the pain
But I am happy to be here
And determined to know a purpose that I can call my own
I long to communicate
And to increase flexibility
Body, mind, spirit
Whatever these remnants
My clay forms houses
I want to reach peace
With bare fingertips
And to embrace the unexpected
And the inevitable
This is why we are all alone and separated
And this is what comrades are for
And, as I hold to it
You are, Man

Don't Drive Him Off

You can start gathering sticks
To build a shared house
You have every intention
On making him happier with you here
You have my full permission
To think about him as much as you like
Match your name with his
And imagine the best
But know what to expect
All closets have doors
If yours has a lock, use it well
But don’t drive him off
Keep your head
And don’t drive him off
Speaking to you as though I may know you
Twenty some years under the belt
And nothing to show
Dream of him when you can
Tell no one
But find two you can confide in
At least one who knows him
And share the secret
That you want to be rid of
But, no
You merely want it to never have happened
Cry at night, if it strikes you
But don’t drive him off
Keep your distance
And don’t drive him off
Fashion a love that he will want
And want to keep
And feel the stone hit your chest
When he does not
Be who you think you are
To the best of your knowledge
Even when it is not who he thinks you should be
Let your limbs fall
Let your heart sink
Let your mind be not fenced
Let your smile fade
Let your hands shake
And your heart beat out of its cage
Let the wolves feed
And the earth thereafter
And don’t ever let him see
Don’t drive him off
Keep away, now, before the time runs
Don’t drive him off


There’s nothing substantial
About love without return from you
There’s nothing so sad
As a pretty young thing with nothing to do
The best times of your life
Go hand in hand with the crimes you commit
And repent for in later days
All I really want
Is peace without reconcile
But my name’s become vile
On your lips
There’s nothing so beautiful
As calling your name in the night hour
And nothing so lonely
As that call not returned
There’s nothing so lonely
As a night on the floor with the dogs
And nothing so unkind
As a rap on the wrists from the gods
And all I really want
Is a small boat with you on the lake
But the stakes don’t exist
All I really want in peace without reconcile
But my name’s become vile
On your lips
There’s nothing so nice
As sleeping on your shoulder
And nothing so painful
As remembering my place in your heart
There’s nothing to do now
But accept where I’ve been assigned
And nothing to hope for
But your opened eyes

Put Your Candle Out

I’m following the same old way
A moldy path of self destruction
And run out of funds to feed my a hopes for all the outside world
Tired from laying awake at night
Bored from staying
And weary from running around
They handed me a map to escape
When I was too young to know the difference
And now that I’m older
Now that I’m older the rut has become the way to hell
I don’t choose to be sober in this life
Or in my heart
Why buy the land
When the garden yields free and clear
So long as you outrun the owners at all costs
And wear good strong shoes
Briars form a face and scratch the lows
In my darkest night
You know what you do to me when you don’t speak
And I too much
Give me a short break
I never knew I was leashed
So I ran around the post
Only to choke from the heart down
Oh, chain me
I wouldn’t mind half so much
If you’d let me know at times
Maybe you do, maybe you did
And I simply paid no attention
Maybe it’s wrong
To give of myself
To more than one in a week’s time
But I want you to know
It’s only because
You gave me the light
And the reason to put it out
Another’s tongue has put your candle out tonight

Steel Wildflower

Cloth doll in a battlefield
Flower on the nozzle of a gun
Blood of the heart
In the heart of turmoil
Separation of eye and mind
Hand and sleeve
If one could do without life giving organs
Without the case around it
And be spirit in the flesh
That would be the goal
Attainable, no
But did strive for, intently
To leave the bonds of this suffocating thread knit prison
To the grow the bones and not feel it
To dismiss the subject of humanity altogether
What absolute euphoria
That shall not be mine at a point when I can really experience it
The dreams of a paper doll seem always to be ignored by the gods
And we are quite fine with that
This petal army, suspended by one stem
Can survive select weather
And certain damages
But there are no guarantees
From the steel wildflower
Or the garden in which it grows

Confusion is a Beautiful Assumption

Spark the mind ablaze
And uncontrollably burn
I asked for guidance
And received
And had no idea what the man meant
Never ask if you won’t follow…
Never attempt recollection if you have no memory
I turn and face a new world
At the same wall each day
Did you see a new sun in the sky?
Did you find the lie he left?
Or the truth you couldn’t possibly believe?
Is your mind running off at the mouth?
And are you suffering, my beauty?
Are you suffering much?
I speak to you through glass and cracks
And know who you are, but cannot find you
You are my other half
Female in the form
And lovelier in the making
What I wouldn’t give to mesh wholly with you
To disappear into that blanket you still promise me
The shared cigarette was as close to kiss as I’ve come lately
A true love divided by a simple fact
You cannot put one and one together
Even across the sea
Even in a night’s sleep
I’ve seen him and I’ve seen you
And I’m not quite sure where my bosom lies
Lady of the hour… lady of a lifetime
Woman of strength
And of my love
Confusion is a beautiful assumption

To the One I Thought I Had

Behind your eyes
Under the skin
Between the bones
Beyond the skull
And on the other side of the physical
There is a light in you
A warmth, if you will
A chill, by turn, I’m sure
An available notion and thought
That, at times, I can see
And at a distance, consistently feel
You, illuminated ghost
Are a new haunting
That my mind has not chosen a state for
Frightened, comforted, weary, or hopeful…
This decision is only mine
But as it stands, this bright holds me in fatigue
Keeps me from sleep
From the nutrition of rest
Your melody deafens me
And I embrace this new quiet
I am full, in the fruit tree
Without so much as a mouthful
Oh, help my starving words
To be honest, your candle flame fingertips
Have found my icy hands
But, as it happens
Have not found the path through my thick wooded acre at night
Have not guided the vessels of my sea at dusk
Or just before the dawn
And, to mention this dawn
That seems to follow in word
But has yet to show itself to me…
Will you remedy that
Oh, Sun… Starlight… Moon…
Oh, lightning as human form
With a glance?
A verbal touch?
I realize what elimination has left me with
The only choice is to wait
In this artwork box… cardboard frame world…
We all know the art of any man
Is sustained by, what else?
Uncertainty, madness, and shade by way of the clouds

Turn My Corner

I’m not sure if you realize, but your smile can turn my corner
Your eyes seem to soften my mood
But I’m mean
I’m an unfair fighter
Trying to tame myself for you
My tongue transforms daily
To an axe of odd proportions
Chopping rung after rung after rung of the ladder we try to climb
I do my best not to hurt you
When I’m constantly knocking you down
And my best doesn’t appear to cut it
My mind is so much like a fire
Burning the bridge before we cross
So I apologize to our future
That I truly do believe deserves a chance
And I’m rerouting my steps in a firm attempt to walk beside you
Compete with this simply complicated dance
I’m not sure if you realize, but your laugh is my personal stepping stone
Your whispers, when my head is in danger or dangerous
Make a calm to disperse my frights
Your body is, on turns, a rock
And then a warm coat
When worry is a quicksand
And I know the winter is coming fast…
So, now that you know
This has all been heavy on my heart
As you have been heavy on my mind
Give me a few minutes
Let me grow something you can truly appreciate
Even while we have no idea what that might be...

I Hold the Gun

Let’s not think about it
The night before
And the one before that
Let’s have no attachments
And avoid all pains
And avoid each other
Let’s play absolutely silent
And I’ll station my mind where it doesn’t belong
I’ll never believe a word
Because it always ends in the same two letters
The only trust is in what I don’t have
Now or ever
The sun set
The night happened
And now that it’s over
I am currently doing my best to pretend it never was
Pretension is a convincing act
When it’s been gripped long enough
I hold to nothing in this life
And I will just have to cope
When someone such as yourself
Sneaks around all barriers
That, in turn, is why the meek will inherit guns by birth
And need no training whatsoever
I know how to make this stop
I know how to force to an end
A means
I hold the gun
I know more now
I follow it less
Knowing is a stronger belief system
Separation is the best idea
Cloak me, bad intentions
And fast let me disappear

Infections (The Imagery is Amazing)

You all are like so many infections
Poisoning the body of my small town
A symptom of damage that confuses the mind
Fog that eventually clears
The scars on land or on skin
Heal but stay visible
After all these things we have done

The park
The graves
The air mattress
The empty floor
The restaurant
The smoke
The moving picture
The balcony
The ring
The innocence
The sea in the morning
The tiara
The love
All that I love...

Maybe I am a matchbook
Maybe I am only legs to you
The mistakes I have made are mine and not yours
And the book you each read into
Changes slightly by the eye
All of you hold a piece
None of you have a whole
And I think you would rather keep it that way

You blow by like feathered seeds from a child’s ecstatic breath
And the imagery is amazing
If only for a moment
A lover can only hope
Where a fighter can only try
What of those of us caught in between?

One leg on either side
One tear loaded with emotion
To bomb this tiny country
This tiny place of birth
To an even more insignificant beauty
That everyone will take a part of and enjoy for a time
But no one will ever come to appreciate
And none of us will ever really know
More specifically, you

How Did We?

Where is the fine line
Between communication and trust
What is the worry
If we are both falling apart
If you agree not to laugh if I trip
I agree to pick you up from the fall
A beautiful silence
Tells us to press on
If you agree to press on
I agree to fight for it
What could stop us now?
Not the miles
Not the sleep
Not the lack thereof in our daily pull
In our daily thread
Sewn up like a cloth doll ready for love from
Whoever dares to
Gather torn linen
And puzzle broken pieces
You know very well
We've both been along the same path
But necessarily at in the same day
In the same hour
In this hour I can say that i miss you
And your voice
And the only picture I've left to hold on to
Much more than I gave credit to finding myself
You are more
Than I hoped would be feasible
Lover, you
You hold me down in a quiet place
Quietly drowning my ears in
In the hours between
When we speak and when we speak
You see that I've waited
That I'm waiting this long
And the length that is needed
To be beside you
I need to be beside you
Now and then
And all in between
Where the pillows lay there will be my body, soon
And I say
That there's nothing so good as the words you so willingly
To me
To me
Let's forget what the world says
Dismiss all the voices that fight
What we've come to know
And now, what I've come to know
Is a love
It's a love
I dare not let go
Of this thought
It's a love
It's a love
That has roots and a stem and a flower
Though to see it is patience enough
There's an empty space
Until you see fit to fill all holes
That the world has left me
How did we find this?
How did we stumble upon this?

Not the One, and Not the Only

Is it very wrong to know that we will never think of each other at the same time?
That once I forget about you, my telephone will ring.
That every chance I could take to speak with you, be with you, lie next to you, is every inconvenience to the rut you've so willingly become accustomed to.
Do you want me when I am not near you, as I suspect you do?
Do you still fight the fact that there was something there to begin with?
Are you hurt when I live my life without you?
Is it wrong to relapse to the pain that you cause me?
I want it now. I want an old pain to replace this new one and put me back in my undeserving place with all my hopes for a better way of thinking.
You still have every chance in the world to turn it around.
Though time and time again, I have told you that last time was the last time.
It all seems a breeze to you. A casual swim in me. A cheat from a diet so carefully thought out.
Wait, though. That seems to be me that I'm referring to.
The one that can't seem to understand that one detour makes for another go 'round on the same road.
You've always taken me back to the beginning.
I always question myself as to why I let you do this.
I've told myself, time and time and time and time again that I am not in love with you.
I've warned myself that this detour is not a new path.
You are the lion's den of stumbling blocks.
I am a stupid little lamb.
And I'm afraid, with all due respect to myself, that you will be the death of my cheerful complexion.
Should I really be happy as just an occasional bite?
Are you really not starving by now?
Sad to say this, but I think I will call you at some point today and ask again for the nagging comfort of what I've grown so dependent on.
They warned me before long enough had passed that I was prone to addiction.
I warned myself and others that withstanding loneliness and doubt were not my strong points.
It is so much easier to be secretive when I am allowing for reasons and have a keen imagination.
It is so much more thrilling when I have so much to lose.
For that, I'm sorry. And I probably will have already lost a few by the end of this speech.
I can't help that my One and Only is not my Only, nor that I am not his One.
I can't help that this doesn't help me. But I can, and will, do it again. And rewrite the same damn regret that lays on my mind.

Malicious Notch

How many notches, Chelsea
Do you need in your bedpost?
When was this asked?
And why does it matter?
Pure malicious intent?
Well, calm of my heart...
You have proved to disrupt.
How many fingers?
Just one left to turn down
One left to make or break
What we both know never could have been
Is there anything the you have been waiting to tell me?
Is there any other way I can drive you further?
How much pain can a past bring forth
I have seen the fire in your heart
I see the embers that were left when discovery made known what you wanted to avoid
I have felt what the past can do
And what a small past can ruin
Have you forgotten, so swiftly, of the one you carry as well?
So, they were lucky.
How were they not to me?
Love does not exist
Only emotions and physical exchanges that come about from acts of such things
This is what I believe.
All apologies to the past, present, and future.

perils of a peanut butter loving dragon

fear is not the product
of a butter lover's effort
especially when peanuts are involved
and dragon's breath should never smell
like a thousand burning picnics
or a first grade child's homemade lunch
that has met a sooty end
now the townsfolk wonder
are you just a fleshy chimney
oh scary brute that cannot even thunder out
an unmuffled, treacherous roar
what a sad thing to be so ferocious
and have yet one vice
that keeps you helplessly docile to the world
how one good thing could hinder
and could help, depending on the view the vision is seen from
eat your peanut butter
if only in solitude
your wings are enough to carry you away
from ridiculing faces
that would soon be victims upon your very satisfied return


Between the things I say to myself
And things that are done
There is a chaos I would never describe
Especially to you
Had I even the words to do it
Really, I wonder
Do things that have never left, will never leave
My locked lips
Have a stronger effect on me
And all of this, that, and you that surround me
How will I ever know if absence makes the heart grow fonder
If I am not here to see it
I have come to determine
That the terms of this condition
Are not he, she, it, or they
But I, me, my
What is this aforementioned miracle state that everyone so willingly tosses around with tongues that do not coincide with the brain as much as I would hold appreciation for
Do they not know how painful a lack of truly is
What a curious thing that this word would sit so closely to a sibling word
Sanitation of the mind?
Unlearning and re-learning
And the difficult task of stripping the walls bare
What is the recipe for such an abrasive cleanser
What combination of feelings, chemicals, environments
Could make such a barren, free land
Of a landfill that sits now
As I throw this wish of sanitation to the side
I rely solely on a lack of concentration
I hold fast only to the ability to block away all
And close my eyes to what I probably should see
I long only for the calm
That is not within my own power
Regardless of what the others say
And until that learned trait is mastered
I know what does soothe me
And that is any trace of love between our fingertips, you and I
As fleeting or as many as they could be from this time to that
When the only thing that exists is your touch
Your voice
Your face
It is that much more important that I find the affection there
And I pray I never have to look hard
And that you never will towards me
What I speak of
Is that one experience that reminds me of where I am
Something that I can wholly immerse myself in
So much that I cannot see the end result of a thousand other damaging pieces
Littered over years of time
And measured on my face
You clear without effort
And soften without pressure
And knead out all that should not really exist
And probably doesn't
In turn, all I can give is my gratitude
So, thank you
And a vow to myself that one day you will see me new
And sane

Consolation Without Comfort, Learning From the Inside Out

I know some of you will disagree when I say this, but I press the issue, anyway. The heart is a part of you; and, as far as that goes, your body. It pumps nothing but blood. It keeps you as much alive as a good portion of your other organs, if not, all.

So, then, when I see you associating that romantic feeling with something as physically imperative as the one piece of flesh keeping your entire organism pulsing and blushing in the face of a handsome form, I say, "No wonder that when that same pair of feet walks back out through the same doorway you allowed them to enter... well, no wonder you feel like dying... you feel like you can't go on!"

Maybe cutting it out would expel the pain that you cannot seem to explain any other way. Maybe bleeding yourself dry and taking away the literal fuel of the heart will tame your beast and everyone else's along with it.

No, my dear... the only thing you are responsible for, now, is keeping your body going as opposed to relying on somebody else to do it for you.

Some circle of love: meet, like, devote, love, annoy, fight, part, grieve... yes, that's the nutshell version. Perhaps embracing the idea that you really are only yourself and taking advantage of the detachment of being an organic living thing might clear some mixed and confusing feelings.

To truly believe in love, you must give way to some spiritual thought patterns and abandon the here and now... the right before your eyes (which may be a grave mistake). Love, as a thing, is the plans you make, your dreams, the will you take to convince yourself to become attached, the ignorance you take to justify abandoning every ounce of practicality you've worked so hard to attain. My only question is, "Why?"

To feel the emotions you are feeling is exactly that. To view love as the embodiment of all feelings is to resign it to the form of a noun, which it was never meant to be. Therein lies the mistake we all make. Things are there, meant to be taken for granted, though, for the most part, unintentionally. Love as a verb? Now that is understandable.

Good Morning

Hello to you, who is me. Who are you, really? No one that I know anymore, unfortunately, though glass and silver make for a very interesting illusion, you know. I digress, as I came to say something of importance to me, to you. I think you are, or will one day be, beautiful... even if no one else agrees.

Levels of She and I

She has a mother who loves her
And me to meet the need
Struggling under me
Or under the thumb of social status
I can assure you, love
My lips will bless and soothe
What my words could not
I would anchor myself to your floor
As you anchor yourself to me
She sings sweetly
As our society becomes one of only importance
Chipped-nail lifestyle maintenance
With a high-life dream
I can lift you there within minutes
What does your Heaven feel like?
I want to realize the same view...

Oh, Long

There's no reason for me to worry
And I know love should be in no hurry
But when you leave for more than minutes
I am an absolute wreck
And when emotions fall hard like rain
Without a logical source of pain
I start to realize the accumulation of certain side effects
The way I simply can't stop smiling when near to you
How I absolutely fear you
And am preparing for your departure
Though I don't want you to leave
Length of time, with love, is voided
By the time we spend enjoying it
Please, don't give me a reason to grieve
Maybe I have been horrible
In ways you'll never know
Maybe time, becoming closer
Means we'll never have to be alone
Oh, possibly everything and nothing
Nothing concrete left to grip
Why stop caring now?
Why attempt to avoid the slip?

Friends With...

That may not be beneficial
We talked about it
Made agreements
My hands are still shaking
One with the other
To solidify every word
In myself
Toast to the contract
Of never relying on each other
For life, love...
Or accompaniment in the pursuit of it all
Have a good day, my darling
Making your way along...
While you are walking
Keep it your own
Grant it to me
Oh, I will give you love, love, love, love, love.....

Have You Ever Been in Love

He, point blank, asked me
"Have you ever been in love, girl?
And do you know what I mean when I say that?"
Honey, I know you never will to me
And even if you could
Even if you would
Can you take the fault of knowing
That it really is all you?
I won't try to be your girl
While I can still be my woman
Who's to say
You won't be the man I work for?
Who's to know for a fact
That we won't be the best of next month?
Of next year?
Of the next life?
And continue in that fashion
Toward an end of days?

Dissipating Belief in the Heart

...And I know you'll disagree
But the heart is physical
It pumps nothing but blood
It feeds you nothing but life
(And not on its own)
And really only keeps you in time
As any other piece of flesh within your skin
Aye, if you associate a piece of your being with love
No wonder you may feel as though you loose it with every pair of feet that walks out your door
And not in


Just a time away
Just four minutes
To bring out the best in us, both
This is not a call to arms
Unless you mean to mine
I've got more than a roof
And less than a heart
But what I do have is yours
As I am insured through your actions
Assured through your words
(Please, speak)
I beg you to stay a good to me
As I imagined you would
Or not to stay at all
And yourself
My fate and your breezy way
Let me be yours alone
Let me be
Or alone

A Baby Bird's Song

Music fills the empty air
And, for once, the air breathes me
All the sound that stamps out the silence
Of when you are not here
Fear and loathing
Are absolute filling and consuming thoughts
That should have never come to be
(Why did I not stop this when I had the chance?)
Love is a platform so far out of reach
And I seem to have forgotten to tell you
How I dizzy from heights
How I close my eyes
And remove myself from the inches
Within which I feel too close to you
Much too close to falling
Who knows?
Maybe this time I would fly
You may very well be the wings that I have lacked for so long
How will we ever know?
If you don't throw the baby bird from the nest
And risk the beloved's death
If you don't ween the addict
Of self and self destruction
Give us a chance to live
And feet to really walk this
But only if the path lengthens itself enough to be worth our stroll
Show me the world
The one you know
And anticipate with me
The one we can discover together
One step in front of the other...
I am on my teetering way to you

Short Affair With a CoWorker

The marks I leave
Only ever will be physical
The humor between us
Is as much a help as a hindrance
The fake smiles and snarls
Or, really, any mouth movement I happen to make
Are all in defense of myself
Not to better or worsen your mood
Not to build or destruct our bond
With a click of the tongue
I could demolish this tiny architecture
(And will one day)
What thread connects us
I could snap as soon as warning recommends
(I ask myself if I really could)
I can smell your fear
From across this tiny mile of carpeted cell
But maybe you've already noticed
The strength of mine may stamp it out
I pray you never know your power
If you haven't discovered already
Inescapably, and with all concentrated effort, wordlessly
I will see you tomorrow
Bright and early
Ready for the battle to begin again

Last Words to J. L.

Just a walk away from this
Or from you
Oh, just to be forgetful, as I know you will
My name will fade
Until I was your strange one
Or your Carolina Girl
Or the first thing you've ever done in this way
What a decision
What a goddamn situation
We find ourselves out of, now
Possibly regretting
You just don't know
Will know
And neither do I
Of who is waiting to call me something
They don't have to forget
And someday that one will choose not to
Whoever he may be
(And I know you would never once guess this...)
He will be there
Because he will want to

56 Hours Ago

Vulgar protrusions,
And a questioning of motives...
These were the mid days I spent with you.
These are the remainder of what we used to do.
And I gave my all
To what I had brought with me to believe as correct...
Only to find, my Dearest Dear,
I was giving me over the the wrong part of you.

Wondering, now...
Wondering how
To salvage a respect for myself that I have never dreamt within me.
Wandering, now...
Oh, further on down...
To the person I lost and the one I wanted to be,
Especially with you.

I pity myself
And the sad attempts I have made
At making myself from the outside;
Thus, avoiding the inward part of me.
And I will lose what I have to lose...
Even you, to be rid these blues
Of the last few mistakes I had made when it came to myself.
Who was this girl
That you truly thought you got to know?
What in this world was I thinking?
When I left myself out on your doorstep
And brought in some new fashion of me?
When I left my soul sitting alone in the garage
And put only a body beneath you...
And my heart... beneath my own feet?

I apologize for her,
Whoever she was
And whatever she did;
I feel it wasn't really me.
And if a second chance is feasible,
And your trust might still be mine;
I will lay down the body and bring in the heart
Truly do it right this time.
I'm not crazy,
But I know when I've done wrong;
And I've done, to you, wrong by forgetting to bring myself into this from the start...
And regretting the lack thereof...
The things you should never know.

In my last attempt
To end it all,
Of which you'll never know the place or time,
You stood near to a self that was nearly dead and gone,
And much too close to a body that may have never moved again;
But I assure you, I have finally opened my eyes.
So, thank you, for the pain
And its medicating state;
For whatever contempt you hold over what you saw.
I will do better to myself this time around,
Whether or not you're close enough to see it;
I promise you that... I promise myself just that.

The flesh has been dead, now, 56 hours
And the beauty will rise again.

(Eliminate all choices
When they matter, not one damn!
Give in to a poor state of physics
For your soul to begin again!
For the life of you, girl, try...
To remember who you are!)

I will be that,
Nothing more,
Until the end of again and again and again...
And again, I must digress;
Express my sincerest regret
For not ever letting you in...
For not letting my soul say, "Hello..."
For concealing what I really should have shown.
I should have packed my bags a little less
And brought a little more of me;
But, if you are generous enough,
The second time around
We'll see...