56 Hours Ago

Vulgar protrusions,
Doubts,
And a questioning of motives...
These were the mid days I spent with you.
These are the remainder of what we used to do.
And I gave my all
To what I had brought with me to believe as correct...
Only to find, my Dearest Dear,
I was giving me over the the wrong part of you.

Wondering, now...
Wondering how
To salvage a respect for myself that I have never dreamt within me.
Wandering, now...
Oh, further on down...
To the person I lost and the one I wanted to be,
Especially with you.

I pity myself
And the sad attempts I have made
At making myself from the outside;
Thus, avoiding the inward part of me.
And I will lose what I have to lose...
Even you, to be rid these blues
Of the last few mistakes I had made when it came to myself.
Who was this girl
That you truly thought you got to know?
Better,
What in this world was I thinking?
When I left myself out on your doorstep
And brought in some new fashion of me?
When I left my soul sitting alone in the garage
And put only a body beneath you...
And my heart... beneath my own feet?

I apologize for her,
Whoever she was
And whatever she did;
I feel it wasn't really me.
And if a second chance is feasible,
And your trust might still be mine;
I will lay down the body and bring in the heart
Truly do it right this time.
I'm not crazy,
But I know when I've done wrong;
And I've done, to you, wrong by forgetting to bring myself into this from the start...
And regretting the lack thereof...
The things you should never know.

In my last attempt
To end it all,
Of which you'll never know the place or time,
You stood near to a self that was nearly dead and gone,
And much too close to a body that may have never moved again;
But I assure you, I have finally opened my eyes.
So, thank you, for the pain
And its medicating state;
For whatever contempt you hold over what you saw.
I will do better to myself this time around,
Whether or not you're close enough to see it;
I promise you that... I promise myself just that.

The flesh has been dead, now, 56 hours
And the beauty will rise again.

(Eliminate all choices
When they matter, not one damn!
Give in to a poor state of physics
For your soul to begin again!
For the life of you, girl, try...
To remember who you are!)

I will be that,
Nothing more,
Until the end of again and again and again...
And again, I must digress;
Express my sincerest regret
For not ever letting you in...
For not letting my soul say, "Hello..."
For concealing what I really should have shown.
I should have packed my bags a little less
And brought a little more of me;
But, if you are generous enough,
The second time around
We'll see...