A Murderous Pain

I killed something today
But by all means, unintentionally
And of the many things I've slain before
From first year to now
This hurt me much, much more
For whatever it is
That existed
But that doesn't exist anymore
Meant more to me as a mystery
Than as a waking from a strangely comfortable dream
This thing, should I even bother naming it now?
Now that it's gone
Or would that do more harm to those
Who've been left
To grieve it
Good and judgemental fate
I have trusted you to this point
Could you have held my tongue
Before the final fury
Could you have held my hands
From crushing unstable numbers
Could you have held my foot
From dropping on the small body
Of whatever was embodied in that shell
That now has the look of a broken home
Has the look of my broken heart
On this day
No practice of relief would do
My hands are much too shaky
To sustain this life
Its movements are so unprotected
And every twitch and jump
It jumps my mind
Back into my head
My soul
Back into my skin
My flight
Back to this same ground
If there is a deity, a devil, or another
Who knows everything of life
And more of resurrection
Can I trust myself to you
And all of everything that lies beneath my erring human feet
Would you do it if I begged you
Or if I had something to offer
Oh, what do you offer Fate that isn't already hers?
I offer you me
And then I see
That is why it is this way